01: Love (Written December 27, 2007)

Thursday, December 27, 2007 at 1:16am
Do you ever lay awake at night and wonder, 'Why me?'
I do, all the time. It's just a part of life for me.
I've been through some tough stuff. My life's really been a roller coaster. I lost my father almost three years ago now.
But what I really lay awake and think about is my relationships with others. I have wonderful relationships with most of my friends, which will never be broken. Come Hell or high water.
If I am ever in trouble or need a hug, they're right there to give it to me.
I love my friends. <3 .
What I really wonder is why everytime I fall in love, my heart ends up broken?
I am almost ready to give up on ever finding someone right for me. Everytime someone likes me, or whatever, I end up hurt. I guess it could be that there's a Mr. Right out there for me and that I just haven't found him.
But I am sick of getting hurt.
Why are some men such assholes?
I've been hurt, emotionally and physically.
I know what it's like to be so happy to finally be rid of him, yet so depressed to be rid of that closeness that comes with having a boyfriend.
A year ago, I was in a relationship that was going nowhere.It took me eight months to realize this.
He still hits on me, yet he's got a girlfriend and a beautiful little girl at home. (And yes, some of my friends will know who I'm talking about here. I left out names for a reason however...)
They're the ones who need him, he doesn't need to be out looking at other girls.
And if he'll do it behind her back, what's going to stop him from doing it to me after awhile?
I don't know where my life is going, but I really can't stand to be hurt anymore.
All I really want to know is why is it that guys only seem to care about sex and stuff like that.
What I want is to find someone who'll take it slow...
Who won't be afraid to sit and hold my hand sometimes. I need someone who will give me time to get to know them.
My problem is I fall too fast. I fall before I get to know who people really are on the inside.
I need to slow down and take the time to see the real person inside.
First impressions are important, but sometimes they mean NOTHING and it is important to get to know people for who they really are.
Anyways, I don't know where to take this next, so I guess I'll leave it off here...

Sooz